“Cut down my hope like shooting a bird from the sky. Destroy me. Squash me into the ground. Clip my wings to annihilate my freedom. Sever my head from my images,wants, and desires and eliminate them. Don’t even make them a possibility. End the suffering that comes from my hope of ever loving you.”

-April Rose

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Oh My Love

Oh my love how I long for your heart.
How I long to strip the veil between.

Oh my love where did you take off to?
You left me forlorn.

Oh my love I still hear the voices, I still hear them in the dark.
Just behind me the lights fading, it’s going out.
Oh my love why do they weigh me down?

Why do I feel so gone but yet so near?
Its like you’re just in my reach.
If only you could wipe the tears.

This dark solitude.
My hour glass sand is running out.
Why can’t you hear me scream and shout.

I race through a endless void hoping your at the other end.
Out of breath and out of heart
To see you not in the bend.

Oh my love I tried, I tried so hard.
I waited and I ran but all the doors were shut.
I pounded and cried till I was spent.
The voices still call and I might repent.

Oh my love,
My will is fading and I fear there is no more waiting.
Don’t hate me I plead.
Don’t hate me for not staying.
So instead I will fade like flesh and bones in the flames.

Not the Arrangement

We were sitting at a fine dining restaurant off the west coast having lunch. We hadn’t seen each other in almost a year and with how close and long we’ve been friends this was a huge reunion. Nine months ago I got the offer for the job of a life time and I had to take it but it was all the way in the west coast which didn’t bother me but Dane’s life took a spin as well when his software protection company took off really well in India, so well that he’s had to move his office from Colorado to India till he finishes helping the start-up. So we departed but have been planing this trip since we left. Long movie night with plenty of junk food. A road trip, the beach, hiking and probably a lot of name calling, wrestling, warm hugs and a lot of laughter. And of course catching up. We still hung out like we were children but that’s what made our friendship so great.

Raising my wine glass to my lips I gazed across the table and saw my best friend. His face perfect in shape, dark deep eye’s and long lashes to complement them. He had thick eyebrows and dark curly short hair that he parted more on his left side. Face clean-shaven. His skin darker since we last talked probably due to more sun and who knows what kind of crazy adventures he got into while he was there. I raised my eyebrows at the thought of all the beautiful and exotic women he probably took to bed with. Or not to bed but whisked away for a few feverish moments of pleasure. Lucky dog.

Then my mind began to wander as he reached across the table and took my hands in his and I realized his hands where big and warm and his arms even more toned. His white button up fitted just right to his physique. I looked at his smile and then his lips as he kept on talking. Not hearing a word he said. And in that moment I wanted him across the table and ripping off my blouse. I choked on some water as I tried to steady myself as I realized who I was thinking about.

“Are you okay?”

I put my glass down and nodded at him. “Now what were you saying?”

He sat back in his chair and gave me a squint look and then proceeded to take a breath and came back closer to the table. “Oh Melanie its beautiful there I think you’d absolutely love it.”

I gave him a smile. “You know I would love to go to India.”

“Great so we can start planning a trip to see me.”

“Ha ha yeah but it’s gonna be longer than nine months before we see each other.”

“Or you can just let me pay for your ticket.”

“What no way.” I didn’t like for people to pay for my stuff. I didn’t want it over my head or their help and Dane of all people knew that which is why he started to brush his fingers through his hair. That was his way of getting ready to step to the stubborn mule.

“Look it’ll be considered a business trip so I am not really paying for it my company is.”

“It’s still the same thing Dane.”

“Come on Melanie I’ll pay for half you pay the rest.” He was giving me a face hard to refuse.

“No. End of story.” I shifted my head at his persistence.

“Please.” No he was getting on his knees in front of me begging attracting close observers. He started to make me blush.

“Will you get off the floor you’re making a scene and everyone is gonna think your proposing and when I keep saying no, you make me look like a dick.”

He started raising his voice “Melanie you are my one true goddess let me whisk you away to Paradise. Please join me.” he had his hand out for me to take and he was almost bowing waiting for my answer. I looked around and realized everyone in the building was starting at us. I gave him a glare as warning for payback.

“Fine. But only because I really want to see India. And you of course.” I reached my hand to his cheek patted it gently. He took my hand and kissed it with a triumphant smile.

“Yes, You hear that ladies and gentleman she said yes!” The whole restaurant erupted with cheers. I rolled my eyes aware that this these people have no idea what really happened before them. After getting off the floor and returning to his seat he slid over an envelope to me.

I looked down at the envelope hesitantly and looked around. I slowly slid the envelope towards me.

“You’re not in trouble are you? You’re not trying to take me with you while on the run. Is this code sea hawk?” I said it in hushed tones while inching closer to him. Code Sea hawk was a code we made up five years ago in case we get into any trouble and have to relocate ourselves. We don’t do anything to dangerous but you never know.

He laughed at me. “No Melanie just want my best friend to enjoy herself. The envelope has your tickets and passport.”

“You knew I was gonna say yes? And when do these tickets leave for?” I opened the envelope and looked at my tickets.

“We leave in two weeks.”

“We?” And Dane I have work there’s no way there going to let me take off work for this I’m already missing this week.” I was really worried he had gone a little crazy.

“Relax Melanie, I talked to your boss. Very lovely lady I might add. I haggled with her a little bit made her a deal she couldn’t refuse.” He was being a little cocky now.

“And what was that? Are you going to be her new toy?” I raised my eyebrow at him giving him a devilish smirk.

“Man Melanie you think I sleep with every beautiful woman I encounter?” I shrugged my shoulders at him.

“If it was able would you not take ever shot you got?”

He paused and pondered for a second.

“Okay fine but this is your boss. I did use my charm, however the deal was I give the company the first five-year of my protection software free and then at a discounted price from there on out. But I also promised you’d be back for a week to get your things in order before you leave.”

“My things in order?” I looked down at the return date on the ticket.

“Oh no Dane I think you picked the wrong return date. This one says we come back in a year. Ha you think we can change that?” I looked up at him and realized his face was serious and then realized what he meant.

“That’s right Melanie we are going on a Sabbatical.” My jaw dropped. I was stunned I didn’t have words to say anything. There were so many other things to take care of and I had to do it in a week.

“My apartment and car. I have to figure something out about that.” I felt so scrambled in my head.

“Already taken care of, your stuff will go into a storage warehouse I already set up for you. Your apartment will be rented out to someone who has already been checked out personally by me. And if you want your apartment when you get back it’ll be there for you if you wish and as for your car. Talked to your as always wonderful mother last night and they agreed to take your car and put it in the garage and crank it and check it every once in a while. Oh and your mother said we need to visit for Christmas since you haven’t seen them in two years, so I promised your mother you and I will be there so I re-routed one of our stops.” He said it so nonchalantly.

My head was about to explode. I gulped down the last of my wine and tried to get my barring. I looked up at my friend and realized my friend has changed so much since we’ve been apart. Still the same person but different. I mean I’m use to him taking me off to crazy, weird, and beautiful different places.

Once he woke me up at two in the morning so we can drive eleven hours to see a movie at a specific movie theater he loved when he was a kid. Then there was a time that Stephen Morris broke up with me in front of everyone in our Economics class in the eleventh grade, seeing how hurt I was he decked Stephen in the face grabbed me by the hand ran out the class till we reached the parking lot where he let me cry on his shoulder. Then told me to get in his car and we skipped school and drove to the beach. Boy was my mother pissed when I got home. But of course Dane explained and my mom melted in his hands like butter. Dane had a way with woman and loads of girlfriends which never bothered me, usually got me in really cool places and I made some sweet connections and it was nice to have another female around once in a while too.

I looked up at him again and looked in his eyes as he was waiting for my answer. I took a breath

“Okay we are going.” Smiling and excited that I was going to India.

As I was putting the envelope in my purse our waiter came up to our table with some champagne and two glasses.
“The gentlemen at the table across your way would like to congratulate you on your engagement.”

I started to blush “Oh you’re so sweet but um yeah he.” Dane cut me off.

“That is so very kind of him.” He waved to the nice grey haired man across the way and the waiter set the glass in front of me and poured. The waiter did the same for Dane left the bottle in an Ice bucket on our table then left.

“You are crazy.” I smiled

He lifted his glass “To India.”

I raised mine, “To India.” And with the sound of the clink my journey began.

To Honor My Father

When I was seventeen my family gathered to Fresno, California for my sister’s second and most anticipated wedding of the year. The only one of us not in account was my eldest brother. Work the treacherous life of an adult. My sister and are beyond close, regardless of our age difference of 11 or so years. She was twenty three for like five years in my head so the math is fuzzy either way age gap and we are tighter than tight. But that’s not who I am writing about.

Very excitedly I walked past the hall that was to my right when I heard the bathroom door open and I turned to see my father walk out the door. He had his hands in his pocket of his dark brown slacks, wearing penny loafers and a polo. Thin Gray hair sat on top of his head and grey mustache that would always tickle my face when he’d lean in for his kisses. His dark worn brown eyes that showed the many adventures his soul traveled if you looked long enough, and his nose identical to mine to remind me who I came from. He has dark skin and big hands, clearly labored. He came forth to embrace me for a hug.

“Dad have you gotten shorter and or am I getting taller” I said. Realizing I remember my father being much taller but it had been awhile since we last saw each other about a year or two prior before my mom remarried and moved me out of the Sunshine state Florida to The Beautiful state Alabama.

My father closed his eyes slowly and that let out a breath as if he needed to be mad aware of progress of getting older. He opened his eyes and said, “Just you.” But the next thing that popped in my head was an alarm the thought and realization that my dad is getting old and he’s not going to be around forever.

When I was in school the one thing I would brag when the teacher would go around the classroom and ask you to give one fun fact about yourself, mine was my dad.

“My dad is 66 years old.” I was ten at the time.

The whole classroom would erupt and jaws would open it was my favorite thing to shock everyone with. People would constantly ask, “Really? How old is your mom?”

Which then I’d reply, “There is a bit of age difference about twenty years.” It would get them started all over again. Loved to say my dad was a “Stud.”

But at that second that I saw my father I realized I won’t be able to brag about it. And how much of a “fun fact” it really wasn’t, just meant I’d lose my dad faster than the norm. I told myself I would call more and try and see him more.

A year later in March my family gathered once again but this time in Fort Lauderdale, Florida to attend my second oldest brother’s wedding. Everyone accounted for. Again excited as ever I walked up to the church that my brother was going to get married at meeting with excited friends and family. The wedding about to start and still haven’t seen my father. The ceremony starts and the line of people start walking down the aisle. And there towards the end my father walks in.

Immediately my heart sinks and I grab one of my family members and say, “Oh my God he’s got a cane.” Clearly able to see the difficulty it was for him to walk. And I can also tell he had lost quite a bit of weight. More alarms went off.
After the ceremony everyone went to the gardens on the side of the church for pictures.
That is when I caught up with my father and linked arms with him and asked, “So do you think you’ll walk me down the aisle one day?” and with sad dismay I got an answer any eighteen year old didn’t want to hear.

“We’ll see.”

After returning from my brother’s wedding that March I had moved out of my mother’s house still a junior in high school. But when I moved out of my Mom’s I moved in with an older man. Now don’t think he’s the reason I moved out and went and gallivanted off to be frilly and stupid. That’s not the case at all my mom loved my boyfriend at the time and thought I’d even marry the guy. She’s the one that told me to go for it. Regardless it’s not what my mom thought it’s what my father thought.

Dun Dun. Dun. (Lightning strike and thunder for dramatic effect)

It took me a while to tell him I had moved in with a guy at first it was just a friend. And we were, I wasn’t lying to my father we actually didn’t date till later. But then I finally told him yes were together. You don’t understand my father is a huge Christian I mean almost bible thumping but it’s only because he really believes in a fate so terrible that why would he not tell his loved ones if he knew he could save them. Anyway so you can only imagine the awkwardness and anxiety of having to tell your father you moved in with a guy. And I never heard the end of it. Living in sin was tossed around a lot.

But he lightened up and came to terms but he kept in constant contact, so much that when I didn’t hear back from my father I knew something was wrong. My father started having heart complications and ended up getting hospitalized multiple times and that’s enough stress in itself. But no that wasn’t enough for my father he would be in the hospital have surgery and then call us! Yeah uh thanks dad. I told him countless times how much strain and worry he puts me and my siblings through because we are all so dispersed. I got so worried and him having been hospitalized I knew I would have to go see my father and soon. So I dragged my boyfriend and little brother down to Florida on Labor Day weekend to see him because if not now, when?

He embraced my boyfriend and was very happy to see us. But I remember going seeing his living conditioning and thinking Holy Shit my father can’t live here in this small closet that smelled almost toxic. My dad isn’t a messy person it was just the condition of the place itself. I told my sister and being that I am a senior in high school, working part time and living with other people, living with me was out. My sister has better means and a better location weatherly for an old man she quickly and graciously invited our father in her home in October. She’s always understood and been closer to my father out of all of us. So it felt right in the end.

With finishing up senior year the most anticipated event happens, high school graduation. I wanted as many family members to be there, it was almost monumental for me because I would be the first child out of five in my family to fully go through and graduate high school without break. So of course I asked my father if he was going to come. I was on the phone with him and this is the answer my father gave me.
“I will come to your graduation if you marry.”

What! Seriously? But I came with a good enough promise.

“I will get engaged after high school but I won’t get married for two years.” My boyfriend at the time and I did discuss this before about getting married and he was older so he was ready to settle but was I? But that’s a whole other story.

“We’ll see.” Again with the crappy answer. Ugh. I just wanted him and my sister at my graduation.

In the beginning of January I got a call from my sister saying my father had a stroke. They were anticipating partial recovery but then sadly informed us the best they could do is make him as comfortable as possible.

January 28th, 2014

Snow apocalypse is what some Alabamians will say happened on that chaotic day but my view of that day as everyone was going crazy trying get to their homes or even just a warm place to stay is quite different.

I remember being at school (not doing anything) and hearing about snow fall in other parts of Alabama to begin to happen and as I was sitting in my classroom I knew it was going to snow. I had to get out of there before the crazy. I hate driving in the snow I had never done it and driving in Alabama is scary to drive as is. Luckily my school was smart and gave us the permission to leave so I did as soon as they announced it I was first out of the parking lot and you could already begin to see the snow starting to pile up on the edges. I called my mom in desperation to calm me on my drive home. She spoke to me the whole way to my apartment. I was just pulling in when my mom said she had to go my sister was calling her. I got out my car and over looked and saw the most beautiful blanket of snow covering everything around me. I breathed in real deep and smelled the air and smiled and thought how strangely peaceful I felt.
A couple hours later I finally went on my Facebook, I saw someone had written on my wall. A family member related through marriage and one I had never met in person in my life wrote four words:

Sorry for your loss.

I knew right away who she meant and I couldn’t believe I had to find out through Facebook! And not by someone I know I might add. Someone knew my own father was gone before I did, a stranger practically. And then I thought about my sister interrupting my mother’s and I phone call and then I remembered how peaceful and beautiful the snow was and realized I didn’t get to hear that my father was gone, I felt it.

I look back on that now and realize that my father knew his time was coming and I think that’s why he wanted those things to happen for me but in my head he wasn’t leaving till he was in his late 90’s or when Jesus comes back for the second coming. My father always emphasized that God was going to have his second coming before he departed. My dad was going to live forever. I could see my time with him slipping through my grasp. It wasn’t fair. I had realized all my life I’ve watch my father slowly die and looking back every time I denied him a huge or kiss or a moments of my time it makes me feel worse.

And even though it hard to talk about, my tears and memories are what keep him alive and near to me. My father lives on in his MANY children and he was quite an amazing man but another sad truth is I hardly know. I probably only know the tip of this wonderful and adventurous man. But he’ll be forever missed. But his legacy will go on.

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Constantly Watching

I constantly watch my stats to see how many people actually look at my stuff, which by the way I had no idea you could know till I made a WordPress. So that blew my mind.

Anyway, I have 8 visitors so far today!!!! This excites me and yes I know It’s a small amount compared to most people but I don’t care. And I am so grateful for all of you 8 fabulous and wonderful people! 🙂 And to future viewers as well I am so grateful! Most people who know me know I am not good with social networking or keeping up to date with what’s the latest or the apps and games. Unless its video games then I’m like yes! But not with the technology that comes with gaming. Like apparently there’s this thing called twitch and I can stream playing Resident Evil 4 to like anyone who wants to watch. I’ve seen the app but never bothered to look into it. Is app even the proper term in describing twitch?  I don’t know either way you see my point. So I do apologize for not having a better laid out blog and more creative and colorful one. Believe me I have better ideas but with doing that requires money which is something like many of us lack or don’t have a surplus of so saving up it is. But I couldn’t wait to share my stories so hence the not so great blog creatively.

There are so many opportunities that I can do its insane and so many more ideas and things I want to do and try. Well again thank you so much for your support and views!

Blogging…

Who knew blogging was going to be complicated. It seems easy to just pour out whatever is on your mind, but not me. I have kept these thoughts and stories locked up for so long it’s almost as if letting them go gives the world an open map to my heart.  And that my friends is dilemma. That and the fact you have twenty-one million things you can do with your blog it even makes me dizzy and overwhelmed.

Sharing your mind puts you out there, vulnerable at least how that’s how I see it. Because with every post I write I fear it falls on deaf ears or in this case blind eyes to read.Or fear that putting to much of yourself out there makes you the perfect target. Fear or maybe it’s just hesitation before taking that big plunge. Most people jump right in I’m the one that stands there let’s the suckers go first and contemplate it a lot. Stands at the edge looks below, back up again and repeat till finally I take the leap. I’m not a baby or never take risks I do them all the time it’s just I like too be 110% I’m taking the right step because then I’m not going to put my self in it all the way. I won’t enjoy my leap and I want to feel ever ounce of that rush when I take the next jump.

Would it be so bad to just get peace out of writing and putting meaning into something weather people see it or not because it makes me happy.  Who cares if anyone sees it, it was done and that’s what counts. Most famous painters and inventors weren’t rewarded or honored till usually after their deaths. Most actually die alone, poor and miserable. And haven’t the best geniuses always been found just a little to late?

The only thing that makes me sad is I’ll have no one to share what I see. Because what I see makes me feel so much and I believe everyone should be able to feel beauty as well as see it. Would it not be an amazing thrill?

But I’ll write on regardless because, every story is a piece of me and with every page I lay out the woman I want to be.